Omipan
by Katzchen
Summary: A parody of Peter Pan (hence the creative title). With Wendyken, Omipan, Schubell, Nagismee, the list goes on...


OmiPan (and, no, this has nothing to do with San X)  
  
Once Upon a Time, there was a little boy named Ken. Now Ken (whom everyone called Wendy for no particular reason) lived with his brothers Youji and Ran (whom everyone called Aya to make Wendy feel better) and their (*cough*FEMALE*cough*) dog Ouka. So, one day they were getting ready to go to sleep (it was only seven thirty, but they were Model Children in all aspects but that nasty problem of cross dressing. Although their parental figures could easily be blamed for this. "Wendy"?!?!).  
  
Wendyken: *sigh* I grow bored of this inherently perfect lifestyle. I crave adventure.  
  
Youji: blaspheme.  
  
Aya: *sharpens katana* I crave revenge.  
  
Well, little did Wendy know, but his wish was soon to be granted. For at that moment, a slight rustling at the frilled curtains drew everyone's attention.  
  
Wendyken: Oh, dear. We should close the window, lest a draft get in!  
  
Youji: Yes, of course.  
  
But it wasn't the wind that had caused the drapery to stir. It was a young boy!  
  
Omipan: I'm Omipan. I've come to take you to the land of never-looking-over- seven, to be my faithful uke.  
  
Aya: TAKATORI!!!! SHI-NEEEE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Youji: .I doubt that's Takatori, Aya..  
  
Aya: *pauses* um. only Takatoris can.fly. [silence]  
  
Wendyken: Sir! Who are you, and why are you sitting in my windowsill?  
  
Indeed, the one who claimed to be Omipan did not seem to be of this place. He wore a pair of spray-painted-on tights, and a sort of potato sack gone shirt tunic deal.  
  
Omipan: well, may I come in..?  
  
Wendyken: we are not supposed to let strangers in our house. Most especially those who are not wearing pants.  
  
Omipan: I am!  
  
Youji: That's spray paint. One good rainstorm and.  
  
Wendyken: *gasps*  
  
Aya: *mutters mutinously* if you would have let me kill him.  
  
Omipan: *eyes katana* well. would you let me in if I showed you.. Creatures beyond your imaginations?  
  
Aya:.dark beasts.? *brandishbrandish*  
  
Omipan: um. no.  
  
At that point, much to the children's delight, a fairy appeared next to Omipan! Emitting a faint, sparkly glow in the night air, the fairy wore a green skating dress, shoes with little bells in the front, and held a sparkly (even more so than the fairy itself) wand.  
  
Wendyken, Aya and Youji: *squeal excitedly* A REAL LIVE FAIRY!!! ^______^  
  
Schuldig: *waves his lil' wand skyward* Nummerier' dir man schon die Knochen, damit du sie nachher im Schnupptuch nach Hause tragen kannst.[1] *glowers*  
  
The children were too enthralled with seeing the fairy to notice Omipan entering their room, defying every law ever made, including some unique to New Jersey.  
  
Omipan: This is my assistant, Schuldigbell. But since "Schuldigbell" is a bitch to say, you may call him "Schubell".  
  
**all eyes turn to the fairy's shoes**  
  
Schubell: Keilholen müßte man dich. Warte nur! Dich vertrimm' ich, biste nach deiner Mama schreist und die Sternchen tanzen siehst.[2]  
  
After promising to stop the long winded threats and to speak in English, the fairy was returned to the production.  
  
Omipan: Anyway, now that I've shown you a fairy, you have to come with me.  
  
Wendyken: okay,  
  
Omipan: Great. Now, to get to my homeland, you have to FLY!  
  
Wendyken: *sparklyeyes* hoooow?  
  
Omipan: erm. think of Christmas, think of snow, think of sleighbells, off you go, like reindeer in the skyyyyy-  
  
Wendyken: I'm not going anywhere. *pout*  
  
Omipan: ah well. In that case, a pinch of fairy dust will do. Schubell?  
  
The fairy held out a small packet, and opened it up to reveal a white, powdery substance.  
  
Wendyken: What's that?  
  
Schubell: ..Fairy Dust *winkwink*  
  
Omipan: just sniff a pinch. and you'll fly!  
  
The children each took some "Fairy Dust" and soon, as Omipan had promised, they could fly!  
  
Omipan: well, since we can all fly, I guess it would be nice of me to take you all with. rather than leave you all flapping around the room. Now we shall go.  
  
Youji: *Great Intake of Breath*  
  
Omipan: OUT THE WINDOW!!!!!  
  
Youji: *gasp*  
  
So the all flew out the window, and into the neighbors' backyard. Where, they were amazed to find, a whole other world existed! Of course, they had never so much as peeked over the fence, being such model children that they refused to succumb to even curiosity, but still. They might have heard some noises.  
  
Wendyken: Are you sure we can trespass?  
  
Omipan: . did you mind?  
  
Schubell: *muttering darkly*  
  
Omipan led them all down a rotten tree, where they were confronted with many small heathen type things they didn't know.  
  
Omipan: Behold! The Lost Boys!  
  
Aya: .isn't that the title of the second tape.?  
  
Youji: quietyou. ¬¬  
  
[ANIMEWORKS!!! VENGEANCE!]  
  
Omipan: . well.  
  
**The Lost Boys turn out to be multicoloured chipmunks and everyone leaves* As it was, the Lost Boys turned out to be.waitaminute. Anyhow, the next thing they knew, they were flying to a giant pirate ship (they had to hurry, as the effects of the "Fairy Dust" were starting to wear off.)  
  
Omipan: AHA! Captain Hook-Up-Ass!  
  
Crawford: Kisama! *unsheathes.a colt*  
  
Colt: *whinny*  
  
Crawford: . *puts colt away and takes out a Colt brand handgun*  
  
Omipan: I hate you.  
  
Crawford: pardon, but.why? It's *makes little finger-quotes* Just Business. Takatori is jealous of your perpetual youth, so he wants me to *more finger- quotes* take you out.  
  
Omipan: .  
  
Crawford: That is, feed you to my crocodile, Farfie.  
  
Omipan: *peers over side of ship* AIEE! OH, THE BONDAGE!  
  
Crawford: *patented Sadistic Grin*  
  
Nagismee: I float stuff. *floats Omipan to Farfie the crocodile*  
  
Omipan: CRIKEY! *is eaten*  
  
Farfie: *muchmunch* if there was a god in this world, it would hurt him.  
  
Oh, the woe.  
  
[1] (um. I'm out of touch with my German street slang. demo) "Number your bones, so you can lug 'em home in your hanky," *twitches* Schuuuu..O_O [2] I ought to beat the shit out of you. You just wait! I'll blast you till you cry for your mommy and see little stars dancin'. (O____O) 


End file.
